Relationship breakdown increased in the last year and as a consequence we conducted a survey of two areas that seemed to present particular flashpoints in relationships. Our firm undertook a survey of one hundred people including fifty women and fifty men and posed three questions to them namely:-
- Do you think that in this so called emancipated age women express what they desire sexually in the bedroom?
- Do you think that in this so called emancipated age women have equal discussions with their partners about money or know about the full extent of their partner’s finances?
- Do you think that in these two areas women are too frightened to express their views or have meaningful conversations and if so why?
The survey was conducted across ages from 20 to 85 and across all backgrounds and ethnic groups. The results were extremely interesting.
In relation to the question of whether it was thought that women expressed their sexual preferences or desires, over 96% of the people interviewed said that women did not express their preferences. In the age group for 40+ their perception was clearly that they believed that younger women might well do so but for them it was a resounding “no”. However having interviewed those aged 20 to 40 whilst they more easily had sex nevertheless in half of those interviewed, they still would not give any direction in the bedroom. When asked to express why that would be the case, the older group confirmed that their perception was that women found it embarrassing to say what they wanted and were tremendously fearful of the reaction it would provoke.
Most said that they were worried that to direct operations or express any view would be seen to be confrontational and to damage the ego of their man.
The outcome was that even if this meant in the majority of cases that women would have unsatisfactory sex they were prepared to continue to do so rather than ever express a view.
Of those that had even tried to raise the topic, they declared that this had inevitably been met with criticism from their partner and/or a row with words such as “so I can’t satisfy you, so you’ve hated sex with me, or are you having an affair”.
The conclusion therefore was that women will suffer in silence for years rather than deal with the issue. In recent other surveys women of 40+ were said to enjoy much less sex. What is clear from our survey that the longer the marriage, and the less expression of what women wanted, the more likely that sex within the marriage would decrease or even disappear.
This compared sharply with divorcees who were embarking on new relationships particularly in the 40 to 50 age group. These women appear to have a sexual revival after years of dormancy in some cases. But when interviewed, this group said that whilst they engaged in increased sex, they did not still dare to say what or how they wanted this. Whilst the media might have us believe that woman are sexual predators or get exactly what they want, clearly in the bedroom it is not what they really really want.
In relation to finances, this was most revealing. Put simply, this subject is in the majority of those interviewed was perceived to be off limits or completely taboo. When asked why women did not discuss issues of finances or in the majority of cases know anything about their partner’s finances, the age groups did diversify.
The perception of 35+ groups were that those aged about 25 to 35 did have much more equal discussions about finances than those of the older group. 98% of those interviewed in the older group 35+ said that they were fearful of raising the topic at all because of the reaction. Many expressed that women are raised to be non-confrontational, accepting, desirous of trusting their partner and above all were fearful of losing the relationship. With that in mind most failed to raise the subject of what their partner’s earned, the amount of their mortgage or debts because it would engender huge friction or end the relationship. 60% of those interviewed were of the view that when times were good they did not feel it necessary or wish to raise the topic. Problems arose when finances appeared to be tight or they were told to cut down on expenditure that frustration would mount because of women’s inability to bring themselves to challenge their partners of the issues. Over 80% said that even if they brought up the subject of finances the following would happen:-
- They would inevitably be asked why they did not trust their partner.
- The man would refuse to discuss the subject, leaving the room or house or refuse to speak at all.
- Would sulk endlessly to stop the discussion.
- Would become belligerent and regard any question as criticism.
- Would say that the women would not understand the finances anyway, or
- They did not need to know as everything was taken care of.
The consensus was that raising any question about finance with a man would generally provoke a row, sometimes to the extreme with threats to immediately terminate the relationship. As a consequence, most women do not have the discussion and are in the main in total ignorance until a major event occurs such as a divorce or death.
Those who did discuss finances with their partner generally earned similar sums ie were equal professionals, more assertive or cohabited before the marriage and accordingly shared costs,
Where one party earned much more (in most cases the man) or women worked part-time or not at all, the discussion about finances were more likely not to take place at all. Amongst the group aged 20 to 30 there were more discussion about the splitting of bills, but again after a few years of marriage these discussions appeared to wane. This explained why on divorce the majority of women who visit divorce lawyers have little or no idea of their partner’s finances. Discussions ought to be taking place but it would seem that these are very limited indeed.
What also emerged that women who work part time in many cases, did not wish to raise discussions of finances because they did not want scrutiny of their own expenditure. Although women admitted to the occasional white lie over purchases, men who were asked to discuss finances were found to lie incessantly about the information that they gave. This included lying about their expenditure, savings, property or shares. It also was revealed that the majority of men have no financial papers ever kept at home and men would generally be regarded as completely secretive about their finances.
Of the men interviewed, they believe that women do express their views and do have discussions about finance but this group were mainly in their 30’s and had equal professional relationships. Men who are older still felt women expressed their views but would not look the interviewer in the eye.
In conclusion women might feel that they are fully emancipated but when it comes to discussing issues of the bedroom or the wallet, it most definitely is still a man’s world.
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