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Children Of Unmarried Couples
It may surprise you to know that if you are not married and have children, that one of you may not have Parental Responsibility for your child. This is quite a common occurrence and can be of importance during a time of emergency. Even though a mother will automatically have parental responsibility the same can not be said of the unmarried father who will not automatically have it but can acquire it in specific circumstances which now includes registration at birth of his name. Consider a situation where you the unmarried father are out with your child, enjoying a fabulous day out suddenly ruined when your child is hurt. No parental responsibility will mean that you can not authorise life saving or urgent medical treatment. If you can not contact the child’s mother, in the extreme circumstances your child’s life could be in danger.
Parental Responsibility means all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property. This concept is wide and all encompassing in the context of bringing up a child to the age of 18.
It represents a commitment to a child’s life and a desire to play an active role in their upbringing from birth. Parental Responsibility includes everything from determining a child’s education to consenting to medical treatment.
Being financially responsible is of paramount importance whether married or unmarried with regards to a child. As children get older this is even more so, with children needing more money to go out, attending private schools and going to university. Whilst this can be a daunting thought it is sensible to give these issues some thought.
The Child Support Agency (CSA) is the government agency charged (at present) with determining and collecting maintenance from the non-resident parent. Maintenance is currently calculated on a percentage of the non-resident’s weekly net income depending on the number of children in a family. Though net income is capped at £2,000 per month is it possible to apply to the CSA for a top up. The Government is shortly to be changing the system for child maintenance due to the CSA’s shortcomings.
Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 allows a parent to apply for a number of different orders to ensure a child is properly housed and secured financially. Since the case of Re P (a child) (2003), the resident parent is now able to apply for a carer’s allowance in certain circumstances.
Joint Residence – A reality?
Fathers often say to me that the odds are stacked against them and that they feel there is very little point in trying to battle with the justice system which in their opinion has already sided with the mother.
My answer to this is that each case is decided on its merits and clearly the court cannot have a view until all the information is put before it. As a lawyer specialising in child care, I often reassure fathers that joint residence is possible and indeed, I have been instrumental in the past in ensuring that fathers receive exactly that. The previous and very antiquated view that the child should remain with the mother unless there are extenuating circumstances is now shifting. The court very much looks at the position ‘on the ground’ and is anxious to maintain the status quo.
In the circumstances where the father is the main breadwinner and the mother is at home, then more often than not, the court will see little point in endorsing an arrangement where the father stops providing for the family and thereby jeopardises the family’s financial position.
If however a father is able to work say from home and to be available for child care before and after school, to include evenings and weekends, then the court is much more disposed to looking at what is known as a joint residence order. Joint residence means exactly that i.e. both mother and father share the time with the children equally. The court is anxious to ensure that there are no negative effects in cases of sole residence where for example a mother is granted sole residence of a child and the father is left feeling as if he has ‘lost’. The emphasis is certainly shifting. The reality is that in many cases the mother is the principal carer of the children and that this will continue. However, if the father is able to devote his time to raising the children and this is a realistic prospect, then the court will certainly entertain the idea.
The judge cannot climb out of his chambers and get down on the ground and speak with the children. There is however an idea being mooted at the moment, particularly with regard to this, in which judges are invited to do exactly that. The court will therefore look at the recommendations of the social worker appointed by the court (an officer of what is known as CAFCASS) to go through a checklist and to draw conclusions as to what is in the best interest of the child. What parties often lose sight of is the fact that what they want is not central to the decision. Rather, they have to focus on what is in the best interest of the child and how they are able to respond to that.
Joint residence is not a myth. It is becoming more and more a reality especially in these days of flexible working. Fathers, take note!
Mediation
Mediation has a very useful role to play in family matters. Often, although a marriage is coming to an end, the parties will still have to have an ongoing relationship. This could be, for example, because they will continue to have business interests together, or simply because they will both continue to co-parent their children. There’s nothing worse than going to a Barmitzvah, graduation or wedding where a parent’s new partner has been told they are not welcome, or where the parents and step parents are there, but with obvious hostile feelings spoiling the day.
The negotiations involved in arriving at a divorce settlement are sometimes viewed as a forum for dragging up all the past hurts and for “punishing” the other party. Often, by airing these issues in mediation and including acknowledgement of such matters in a mediated settlement, the financial aspects then become much simpler to deal with, because the bitterness has been removed, or at least addressed, between the parties.
Of course, it’s not always about money. Sometimes there is a dispute over residence of children, contact arrangements with parents, grandparents or extended family, emigration or other matters which have an emotional or practical impact on the family.
By mediating at an early stage, the issues between parties are identified and can be discussed in a safe environment, using the mediator’s skills to work through and defuse any potential flashpoints.
A mediator is not there to sit in judgment, nor to comment on the rights and wrongs of individual positions. It’s a non-judgmental process, intended to facilitate agreement wherever possible.
Mediation is not about looking at the legal strengths or weaknesses of a situation – although of course the framework of the mediation process is based on the legal position of the parties in the first instance. It usually takes about three hours of mediation before the legal issues fall away and people get off their legal soap box and start looking for more creative solutions. These can incorporate such individual and non-financial things as an apology for past events, a promise of help with certain situations in the future, agreements about how events will be handled etc., which would not normally form part of a court-driven settlement, but are worthwhile and meaningful to the parties.
Mediation is very cost effective and has a success rate which may come as a surprise. 70% of disputes which enter the mediation process settle without going to Court. Of the rest, many disputes will reach a broad agreement in mediation or at least deal with and remove many of the obstacles preventing agreement, thus saving time and money when solicitors are eventually instructed.
If mediation fails to resolve the dispute, then each party can instruct solicitors in the usual way.
An alternative to mediation in family disputes is collaborative legal practice, which is a fairly new concept first tried in the US and now being used a great deal in this country. Rather like mediation it involves a voluntary meeting between parties, but unlike mediation the meeting is solicitor-driven and very much based on finding legal solutions. For this reason it is mainly used in financial disputes. If the parties are willing, then collaborative practice can be very effective. Unfortunately, if a collaborative approach fails, then the parties must instruct fresh solicitors. This is because the collaborative process involves complete financial disclosure between all parties, which is essential if agreed solutions are to be found. However, if the process then breaks down, this places the collaborative solicitors in a confidentiality conflict situation if they were to continue to act.
Lloyd Platt & Company can assist with mediation and with collaborative law so please call us if you would like to consider a fresh approach to your family dispute.
Stepfamilies and How to Survive Them by Francine Kaye
The difference between step families and our own children is that we don’t set out to have them. They rather come with the package. They are born out of divorce, often heart wrenching transition and they are thrust into the bosom of their parent’s ‘new love’ and commitment which they are expected to adjust to. Fortunately most stepchildren are able to accept their new ‘family’ situation and most challenges are ironed out. However it takes open discussions, a great deal of planning, positive attitudes, mutual respect and lashings of patience.
The Emotional Divorce
Whilst the parents may have legally divorced, emotionally there may still be unresolved feelings of anger and hurt. This means there is potential for an ex-wife or husband to stir up trouble. This is really difficult for the children who may want to be loyal to both camps, but feel guilty when they leave mum to stay with dad or vice versa.
That’s why it’s vital for a divorcing couple to learn how to ‘divorce emotionally’. This takes time and understanding and skill. As an experienced Divorce Coach and Mediator, I help couples ‘complete’ their marriages by giving them the exact skills and strategies that will allow them to move forward with their lives free from blame and guilt. Of course, if you want to remain bitter and angry, you can do so for as long as you want to. However you will not move on and you will make it hard for your kids. Kids don’t divorce, parents do. This is not their choice and whilst a snide comment may feel fabulous at the time, the fall out usually lands on the children.
Are you ready for your Brady Bunch?
So you have chosen your new partner and the deal is you get their kids to combine with your own. The first job now is for couples to discuss the following:
- The role each step parent will play in bringing up their respective children.
- The household rules
- The children’s behaviour, how it might impact the whole family and who is allowed to say and do what.
- Time for themselves as a couple (which we will look at later)
I have coached many newly ‘blended’ families and the vital key to making this work is communication. Being able to talk to your new partner openly and agreeing together how you would like to raise you new ‘family’ is a skill by itself. If ‘dad’ insists that ‘mum’ is not allowed to comment on anything their ‘own’ child does or says, alarm bells should ring. You must be able to speak out when a child’s behaviour impacts you. Of course you need to know the most effective way of doing this so that you keep the relationship in tact. But these are skills that can easily be learned.
Building Bonds Takes Time
Each of ‘your children’ has their own personality and will have different needs, interests and ways of reacting. You will, given time, learn to respond differently to all of them but they will all need to be treated with respect, interest and at the very least, an intention to love them.
Some of the feelings that children of all ages experience are feelings of loyalty to one parent (or even you) which could mean disloyalty to the other. They may feel rejected by one parent but resentment towards you for replacing the other parent. They may experience jealousy at having to share their parent with you and your kids. Perhaps they feel insecure because life as they knew it has crumbled around them and they have no power to do anything about it. It follows that there may also be the sad feelings of disappointment as it hits them that their parents will never be together again. This is not by any means a comprehensive list, but you can see what you are taking on, cant you. Does this sound like something which will fall into place over night? Probably not. This is going to take courage, patience and commitment.
If it seems like your partner’s children are rejecting you or purposely making your life difficult, please don’t give up. It will be because they are reacting to a situation they just don’t like. Don’t take it personally because it will eat you up. It’s not about you per se. They would behave like this with anyone their parent lived with. Get out of your own ego and find a way of building your relationship with each of them. Be available for them. Ask for help from other family members that they respect and always refrain from saying anything that is not positive about their absent parent.
What if it’s never enough?
Having said all that, you cannot allow yourself to give until you are drained. There must be boundaries that the children learn to respect. This especially applies with older children and adult children. If you become a pushover in your earnest effort to build a relationship, they will push you until you crack. At which point some children will be quick to point out that ‘they knew you were like that’ or tell you in no uncertain terms not to speak to them like that because ‘you are not my mum/dad’. It really is a fragile line and might remain that way for a long time. Even if a child has a loving home with you, it could be that he or she is terribly hurt that it simply is not that way with the other parent. However much love you offer or however generous you are, it might never be enough especially if it shows up clearly what they cannot have from the other parent.
Never, Ever ‘Collude’
There is a word I use a lot with my clients and its ‘collusion’. To explain what I mean I use an extreme example of ‘collusion’ by asking the question “why do some men and women beat their spouses”? Most people give me reasons like, ‘they want to be in control’ or ‘they need to exert their power’. Well, maybe. But the bottom line is that they beat their spouses – BECAUSE THEY CAN. If you keep beating me and beating me and one day you come home and I am not there, can you continue to beat me? Of course not. To a much lesser extent (I hope), you cannot allow your step children to ‘beat’ you in any way. If they are behaving in a way that impacts you, unless you stop it immediately you are virtually giving them your full permission to continue with their behaviour. You are, perhaps, silently telling them that it’s ok for them to treat you this way. And, if you carry on being giving and loving in an attempt to placate them, you are virtually rewarding them for their unacceptable behaviour. Do not under any circumstances collude. Notice that you are doing this and address the behaviour immediately with your partner as well as the child in question.
Does Age and Gender matter?
Well, yes it does when it comes to understanding the behavioural issues of each child.
Statistics show that children under 10 accept their new family more easily. They are still in need of hands on love, routine and stability. They may exhibit jealously if they think their parent loves others more than they love them, so bear this in mind. Kissing on the settee is ok for the under 10’s as long as the children get hugs and kisses in the same measure.
Children aged 10-14 are a little more challenging. They understand more and have their own opinions. They are often very sensitive. This is a tricky time for girls hormonally and boys too. So all of this is added to the mix. Keep open communication, always explain your actions. A good ‘because’ will a generally create buy in. For example “we are going to turn the TV off now because it will give us a chance to talk to each other while we have our meal” is a fair enough ‘because’. However, “‘because’ I say so”, is just not good enough. These kids are astute. Be honest and clear at all times.
15 plus children are much more independent so you won’t be wiping noses or tucking them in. However they are not so keen on open displays of affection between the two of you. This is a time for them to discover their own sexuality. Seeing you being overt in the home or in public will probably evoke comments like ‘gross’ and ‘sick’ to use their current phraseology. So you’ll need to respect this so you can respect them. This age group can either be the easiest of the three groups or exactly the opposite. They should be labelled ‘handle with care’ to give you some idea of the eggshells you could be treading on. Once again though, do not collude. These guys need boundaries every bit as much as their younger counterparts. Make rules that make sense and invite them to participate in family events whilst not being offended if they say no. They’ll still appreciate the invite.
Girls and Boys
Girls and boys in blended families really appreciate verbal affection in the form of praise, acknowledgement and compliments. Girls are usually uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfathers. Boys, on the other hand, often accept a stepfather more easily than girls. Be kind and communicate warmth and allow the trust to grow because this will help you create the bonds for the future.
Is this more than I can handle?
It may be that the transition into a step family is creating serious issues for a child that it’s just not possible for you or your partner to handle. If this is the case know your limits. Professional help is never far away. Consult your family doctor, perhaps get a psychological evaluation, but don’t struggle alone. Don’t think a major problem will just go away. It may escalate. You know your children and you’ll notice the signs when something is seriously wrong. You cannot always heal the hurts of the past for your ‘children’ with a hug. Sometimes the sadness is so deep it needs special help. Don’t hesitate to ask for it.
How to have a happy family
Still with me? Great because I know I’ve given you some worst case scenarios. I just don’t want you to go into this thinking that happy families just happen. You now know it takes commitment, persistence, strength of character, courage and the intention to love.
The good news is that there are thousands and thousands of very happy step families out there and yours can be one of them.
Stay realistic about what’s possible. Take it one step at a time and don’t rush the process. Contrary to the opinions of our gloom and doom press, children of divorce are not damaged forever. Yes it may shape their attitudes and sometimes their beliefs but everything that happens to us from the cradle onwards does that. Don’t be riddled with a guilt that stifles your happiness. You all deserve to be happy. Stay optimistic. Have the intention of helping the children make the transition between one home and another. Try not to have an in-depth discussion with the children if you are:
- Upset
- Angry
- Feeling detached
- Having a bad day
- Too tired
But don’t be too hard on yourself. You are always doing your best at any given moment.
Make Your Marriage Work
Finally, and this is probably the most important priority of all, make your marriage work.
Let’s face it, the last one bit the dust. For whatever reason it didn’t work out. This one will be different - if you are. Make time alone together. Go away together for at least one or two nights four times a year. Take a week’s holiday at least once or if possible twice, a year on your own. Go out to dinner or for a drink alone. Plan in advance and make the necessary arrangements to be sure that this happens. Always have a ‘Plan B’ in place. Don’t spend all this alone time talking about the kids either. Take the time to catch up with each other, discuss your feelings, your goals, and your plans. It’s vital that you don’t lose touch with each other.
If you haven’t fully worked out your old emotions or you still have some lingering ‘luggage’ from the past, make an appointment with someone like me and get some great coaching so you can get over it and get on with your life. It’s not like it’s just the two of you sailing off into the sunset. You have a crowd to live with and you are going to need to let go of your own fears and insecurities pdq if this thing is going to work.
Relationship Reminders
So just to recap, here are some reminders of the do’s and don’ts of step parenting
- Have calm open communication with your partner
- Have the same with the children
- Always apologise if you make a mistake
- Be patient
- Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally
- Give everyone time and space to adjust
- Don’t expect to be called ‘mum’ or ‘dad’
- Give respect and expect respect
- Create boundaries
- Do not ‘collude’
- Establish your parenting approach and apply it fairly.
- Create stability and have a ‘parents in charge’ attitude
- Agree with your partner about how to handle unexpected parenting situations
- Create a ‘this is how we do it in our family’ approach so that everyone experiences a feeling of belonging to this new group
- Spend time alone with each child to build your bond with them
- Hold family meetings where everyone gets to speak and be listened to
- Establish your new family traditions. Build your own history and memories by sharing unique ways of being together
- Always respect former partners and make sure the children have time with them
- Don’t argue in front of the kids. This is exceptionally upsetting for them
- Invite your step children’s close family members to their celebrations, school plays etc
- Be kind and compassionate to yourself and know that every day you are being the best step parent you can be.
You can do this you know. You can make this work and live happily ever after. Simply see a sign around everyone’s neck that reads “MAKE ME MATTER”. See it resting there even when the opposite is screaming at you. Make each other matter and you will have your own special Brady Bunch. A great step-family can bring you immense joy and happiness as well as loads of grandchildren and very expensive Christmases! Have fun.
Francine Kaye is founder and director of The DivorceDoctor.co.uk
Disclaimer
The articles should be read as providing only a general overview of the topics and should not be read as giving specific advice. They should not be relied upon or read in conjunction with other legal materials.
If you would like to discuss these issues with one of our Team please see our Contacts Page or Email us.
