It used to be the aristocracy who relied on the nanny to see them through a divorce. When the Spencers - parents of the late Diana, Princess of Wales - divorced more than 30 years ago, the nanny was the key witness, according to Jean Keir, family law partner at Kingsley Napley. “The nanny, as well as the maternal grandmother, gave evidence for Earl Spencer - who was given custody.” The young Diana and Charles stayed at Althorp with their father - with a new nanny.
But now the nanny is much in demand - and not just to look after the children. With nannies a staple of middle-class life, and with a growing emphasis on the importance of fathers having access, the nanny is playing a key part in more divorce and custody negotiations and can even become a witness in the case. Specialist “divorce nanny” packages are even being used by some family lawyers as a way to resolve access disputes.
David Burrows, until recently chairman of the Solicitors Family Law Association (see right), says there is a greater need for anything that can help in access discussions, because the underfunded Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service and courts can take months to assess the children’s best needs. In that time the relationships will have changed, or a baby may have forgotten an absent parent.
Another family lawyer, Vanessa Lloyd Platt, of the North London firm Lloyd Platt and Co, says: “It’s almost de rigueur to have a nanny involved when you are divorcing nowadays. It’s not just in London, it’s all over the country.”
The common factor is wealth. Often the nanny involved in the arrangements is the one who was already working for the family when the parents were together. But in other cases, divorce lawyers say, the nanny will leave because the atmosphere becomes soured and the job changes, and she might not want to enter a potentially acrimonious custody battle.
One nanny, Mary (not her real name), says: “Both sides try to influence you. You have to try to keep neutral. When the nanny comes in there is a lot of stress for the parent. They are trying to be on their best behaviour in front of me.”
Keir says that in many disputes there is enormous distrust between the partners. “A mother may be afraid of abduction, or harm to the children.” On a more positive note, Burrows adds: “If the man is a chump with children a nanny could be useful - a way for the woman to trust him to have the child if he simply has no clue how to cope for 12 hours.”
Involving a nanny in access arrangements works only if both sides agree. Mary says that in her case, “the lawyers worked it out down to the last detail of what time we go out, who takes the children to the loo, even that sort of thing, and the time we had to be back. It’s all agreed.”
Jean Birtles, who runs Top Notch Nannies in West London, which introduced a “divorce nanny” package last year, says: “We were already being asked if we could find nannies who would supervise visits.”
She says that it does not suit every nanny - women who have been through a divorce know better what to expect. The nanny will know that she might have to write letters to the court expressing her view of a parent’s behaviour. The nanny might also appear in court.
The sad truth is that, in many families, nanny knows the children best. “These days parents often both work themselves into the ground, and the nanny is the one who spends most time with the children.”
This makes the nanny a valuable witness. Keir says: “The weight the judge would give to the nanny would depend on how many years’ experience she has. But she is a child expert in her own right.”
Vanessa Lloyd Platt says that nannies will often offer a more credible alternative to extravagant claims and counter-claims. “I’ve known them be able to say a claim that one partner is harming the children in some way is absolute tosh.”
To some extent, the increasing use of nannies is an indictment of the breakdown of the extended families. Grandparents or godparents sometimes fulfil the same role. But grandparents are one side’s in-laws and as such mistrusted, and a couple’s friends will often be reluctant to be drawn into taking sides. The official drop-in centres for supervised access visits are thin on the ground, and do not provide for the same quality of contact as taking children to the park or playing at home.
Might there be some way to introduce state-funded nanny equivalents into the court system for those who cannot afford the private sector? Keir is not expecting it to happen, but she has a name ready if it does: “It’s Utopia, but it would be great if we could have a Children’s Friend department to do this.”
To read the article on The Times website click here!
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